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Posted: 25 Sep 2012 06:20 AM PDT
COPING STRATEGIES FOR TAMING INSECURITY 1. Keep a journal of your triggers. Anytime you find yourself getting anxious or insecure, write down the situation, the feelings you experienced, what you were thinking, and how you acted. This running log will help you discover patterns behind your projections so you can more readily short-circuit them in the future should they happen again. Try to write about where your insecurity originated, what your insecurity looks like, the types of beliefs that feed this feeling, the consequences you’ve suffered as a result of its existence, and create a vision for how you will look as a man with a secure base. 2. If you find that you project another person from your life (an “ex”, your father, etc.) onto your partner, make a list of all the reasons why your current lover is not like these individuals. Write down all his good qualities and why he’s a good partner choice for you thus far. This will help keep you centered in the here-and-now, not the past. 3. Changing these patterns takes time, so develop the art of patience and realize that these negative feelings you have may take a lot of time to diminish. Learn a variety of relaxation techniques that you can use to help de-stress yourself whenever the anxiety hits. Deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and visualization are good ones to start with. Become more attuned with your body and recognize the physical sensations you feel when anxiety strikes so you can utilize your coping skills before the feelings magnify and get acted-out. 5. Affirmations are positive/motivational quotes, sayings, or statements that can keep you centered on good things.Create your own affirmations and write them down on index cards. Anytime you get into a funk or find yourself unable to control the negative thinking, pull out your cards and read them aloud. 6. If you find yourself unable to control the whirlwind of emotions when you’re with your partner, delay your responses to him and leave the room until you’re able to calm down and get more focused with a positive perspective. Taking this “Time-Out” will help get you more grounded and avoid any potential conflicts that could harm the trust in your relationship. Schedule a time with your partner to discuss the matter when you’re both more composed and able to really hear each other. 7. Manage your worries by identifying things you can vs. cannot control. Channel your energies into the things you do have control over and learn to “let go” of those you don’t. 8. Get out of your own head! Anytime you have the swirling, negative thoughts, take the focus off of yourself by doing something behaviorally that will benefit or attend to your relationship in a positive way. Do something for your partner that you know he would enjoy. Surprise him, seduce him, anything to break out of the self-absorption so you can do something productive and affirming for your boyfriend and relationship. Be creative! CONCLUSION Those are just a few strategies to get you started. Keep these tips close whenever you feel triggered, as they just might help stop the chain reactions you feel so you can redirect yourself to a more healthy mindset and behavioral choices.
To overcome insecurity, you must be willing to take the risk of being vulnerable, develop more humor and light-heartedness, and increase the communication between you and your partner to move in the direction of strengthened intimacy and connection. You can do it!
© Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.
Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc.http://thegaylovecoach.com
Thanks BRIAN and MICHAEL@gaytwogether.com
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Sunday, September 30, 2012
Insecure. . ..2
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Monday, September 24, 2012
Insecurity. . . . One. .
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Posted: 24 Sep 2012 06:20 AM PDT
These are pretty normal reactions; it becomes insecurity when the person becomes preoccupied and ruminates about the outcome, personalizing it and putting himself through a slow-torture of doubt and “what-if” thinking that distracts him from being centered and relaxed. Gay men in relationships can struggle with insecurity as well; having a partner is no shield against it. In a relationship, insecurity might look like…”Am I still attractive to my partner after all this time?” “Does he think I’m a good lover?” “Why is he spending so much time away from home?” “Is he cheating on me?”
Again, there’s nothing abnormal with these thoughts—it has more to do with their extent and severity and how much they are interfering with one’s quality of life and relationship. This article will offer some suggestions for managing this harmful emotion so it doesn’t sabotage your relationship and cause undue stress for your well-being.
CULPRITS OF THE MADNESS - Insecurity can stem from many different sources and is highly individual. Maybe you were raised in a family who didn’t give enough positive strokes and you were made to feel “less than.” Maybe you have a history of abuse. Perhaps your experiences with men in the past have burned you and now you feel suspect and untrusting to let your guard down.
Low self-esteem plays a big role. Maybe you have attachment difficulties, fears of abandonment, commitment phobia…the faces of insecurity are diverse. There are, however, two particularly strong forces that can befriend insecurity that you should be aware of and intervene before too much havoc occurs.
Mindreading is a cognitive distortion in which you assume you know what your partner is thinking or doing without having any evidence to back up it up. Even though you may have lots of experience with your partner and could likely predict how he would respond to a given situation, there are always exceptions, and you must be very careful to avoid making decisions on the conclusions you create.
If your assumption is incorrect, you now have a whole host of other problems to contend with. Mindreading is a byproduct of insecurity and contributes to its madness. The solution is to always check things out with your partner to ensure you’re “on the same page.” Prioritize what’s most important and share your perception as an inquiry rather than a fact.
Projection is another causative factor to insecurity. This is a very complex defense mechanism, but basically is where you put out onto another person disowned aspects of yourself or unfinished business with other people or the past. For example, if you have fears of getting hurt by your partner, you could “project” onto him things that an ex-boyfriend did to you, particularly if both men exhibit similar characteristics or behaviors. Or maybe you feel guilty about something that you did, so you attack your partner for making a mistake about something.
The solution here is to identify any emotional wounds from childhood, the past, or previous relationships and learn to grieve them so the issues don’t keep getting displaced into the relationship with your current partner. Take responsibility for “stuff” that’s really your own. Remember that your partner is not your “ex”, for example; they are both very different individuals with unique personalities, philosophies, and values.
Learn how to cope with these triggers when they get activated and channel those feelings into more productive outlets.
[ Part 2 - Tomorrow ]
© Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.
Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc.http://thegaylovecoach.com
THANKS to Brian and to Michael@gaytwogether.com
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Sunday, September 23, 2012
"Too much to lose. . ."
G'day JustinO,
The day no one cares about being gay can't come soon enough.
Gary
I do not need to tell the world I am gay any more than other men need to state "Hey, guys, I am straight. . ." Imagine the response?
LOL. "So. . . .?" "Nice for ya. . ..can I watch you 'straighten' out?"
Silly.
That's how I see it. . . that's how I feel.
See ya around. .. ;-)
J u s t i n O
DOING GREEN
A MISSIVE FROM Mme Bouvier, Justin's grandmere. . . .
Subject: BEING G R E E N
Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to me, that I should bring my own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.
I apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days."
The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."
She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.
Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.
But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.
Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we reused for numerous things, most memorable besides household garbage bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks. This was to ensure that public property, (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags.
But too bad we didn't do the green thing back then.
We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.
But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.
Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throwaway kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.
But that young lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.
Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana . In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.
But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.
We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.
But we didn't have the green thing back then.
Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.
But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?
Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smartass young person...
We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.Gramma
Thursday, September 20, 2012
S I N . . . .. Read only if your heart can handle a bit more heart-ache. . . .
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 19, 2012
SIN
I received an email a few days ago from a filmmaker named Wajahat Ali Abbasi. He is currently trying to find funding for what sounds like a truly remarkable story that the world really needs to be aware of. Inspired by a true story, 'Sin' is a feature film which will bring to life an emotional tale of a teenager who was killed by public hanging along with his partner in Iran because he was gay.
Videos and pictures of this sad incident were released online in July 2005, but the world forgot about it soon after. Through this movie we will get to know this teenager's life, whose only crime was that he wanted to be accepted by his society, with his true identity.
Through this tragic story some important question will be addressed; Why some people who are in love don't have the same rights, as others? Is it just because they are different from what the world expects them to be?
There are no words in any language to adequately convey the level of sympathy, and body-crushing grief for someone losing their life because they are gay or lesbian. Wajahat Ali Abbasi has a passion for thos project, and I believe that this film has the potential to open hearts and minds, which is the only way equality will become a reality.
To learn more about this project you can check it out on SIN'sKickstarter page. There you can not only read about the project, but you can connect with the filmmaker and help fund the project.
HOW TO PLEDGE AND BECOME A BACKER
You can become a backer in just three easy steps:
* Step 1: Read through the pledge levels and rewards we're offering in the right sidebar of the Kickstarter page.
* Step 2: Click the large, green "BACK THIS PROJECT" button to the right of the trailer video at the top of the Kickstarter page.
* Step 3: Enter your pledge amount - and complete the steps for filling in your information. This process takes just a few seconds.
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Posted: 19 Sep 2012 06:20 AM PDT
For couples nowadays, there can be a lot of pressure to have not just a good sex life, but a great sex life. Books abound with titles like “The Art of Sexual Ecstasy,” “Total Sex” and “Hot Monogamy.” (And those are just some of the books on my bookshelf!) If we’re not engaged in wildly passionate lovemaking, we suspect there is something wrong with us, or wrong with our partner. Or maybe we’re just not right for one another, we think.
The truth is that two lovers having the same level of sex drive is almost as unlikely as winning the lottery. In most couples one partner’s drive is higher than the other’s. Sometimes that difference is significant. When that happens, sexologists and relationship therapists describe the situation as one of desire discrepancy – a difference in how much the two people want sex.
Desire discrepancy isn’t unusual, but it sure can be uncomfortable for the two parties involved. The person with more drive may feel rejected when the lower-drive partner isn’t interested in sex. He’s not interested in me, he thinks. He doesn’t think I’m hot. Maybe he’s having an affair. .
Things aren’t better for the lower-drive guy. He may feel inadequate as a lover or may question his masculinity. What’s wrong with me, he thinks. Or he gets angry at his lover and blames him. All he wants is sex. Why does he have to be such a pain in the ass?
Because fears about our own inadequacies can really push our buttons, the couple with a significant desire discrepancy can get into some pretty bruising arguments – especially if the guys involved are feeling so defensive that they can’t really hear their partner’s point of view.
Desire is controlled by several factors. One is testosterone level, which is present in both men and women. The higher the level of testosterone, the higher the level of sex drive. There is a considerable variation in testosterone level from person to person. Levels often decline with age. Replacement therapy sometimes helps, but it’s controversial and may have other health effects. Talk with your doctor about the benefits and risks before considering the new hormone therapies available.
For most guys, the problem is not so much hormone levels as stress levels. Worry about work, bills or the relationship itself can really take the zing out of sexuality. Too little restful sleep also causes interest in sex to drop.
If there is a difference in sex drive within your relationship, there are several things you can do to help. Find a way to talk about the issue without accusing one another or becoming defensive. Speak up for yourself without pressuring your partner. Don’t accuse him of anything. Be supportive and gentle, and affirm your love for one another and your commitment to the relationship. Talk with one another about what you really want – and make sure that you are able to hear your partner’s point of view. Get professional help if you need it.
Sexual intimacy is a place where we can feel uncomfortably vulnerable at times. Negotiating through difficult spots brings a couple closer together and make sex more fun and more meaningful.
John R. Ballew, M.S. an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. -www.bodymindsoul.org.
~~~Thanks, MICHAEL@gaytwogether.com
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Law to ban "Conversion Therapy"
This law seeks to end the practice of Conversion Therapy. In effect it would be illegal for parents to attempt to subject their suspected gay children to any form of reparative, corrective or conversion therapy due to the psychological violence and long-term harm such attempts make on those forced to endure it.
New post] Religious Groups Endorse California Law to End Conversion Therapy
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Gay Relationshiops: Shy Guys Make Good Boyfriends Too - Part 2
Posted: 18 Sep 2012 06:20 AM PDT
( CONTINUED FROM YESTERDAY )
Why So Shy? - Most psychological experts believe that shyness is a learned behavior or a reaction to a negative event that inhibits the person. For example, if you were raised in a family where you were made to feel “less than”, your shyness could have developed out of a belief that you were only worthwhile if you lived up to certain expectations, so you became more inhibited and stifled as a result. If you lived with others who were shy or emotionally identified with an attachment figure who was shy, you may have observed and modeled that behavior yourself and it became a part of you.
Growing up gay doesn’t help the shy guy much either. Living “in the closet” and trying to cope with being different in a homophobic society could have inhibited you even more, amplifying the effects of shyness. Having been a shy guy myself, feeling more comfortable with my sexual identity and “coming-out” helped me tremendously in breaking out of my shell and becoming more socially confident as I was finally able to be the “real me” and let loose without the fear of scrutiny. Where does your shyness stem from? Try to understand the origins of your shyness by examining your attitudes and past experiences more closely.
Battle Strategies For Overcoming Shyness:
Conquering the shyness beast is not a quick-fix, so it’s important to go slow, pace yourself, and take small steps toward your goals.From my own personal experience and from my work as a therapist and coach with clients, the following are some practical coping tools for taking some steps toward overcoming shyness for those guys who don’t want to be held back any further from realizing and living their visions for fulfilling social and dating experiences.
* Become educated in anxiety management strategies. Learn relaxation techniques that will help you cope more effectively with nervousness so you don’t keep succumbing to the power of your physical reactions.
* Develop a contract with yourself or a close friend/family member detailing an action plan for how you intend to conquer your shyness problem. Schedule times every week that will stretch you out of your comfort zone and put yourself in social situations where you can practice becoming more confident and savvy. Learn about systematic desensitization to help gradually expose yourself to anxiety-provoking situations.
* If throwing yourself into a social scene is too overwhelming to start with, start slower by taking an acting class or joining a public speaking meeting like Toastmasters. These venues are excellent places to teach you valuable social skills in a structured, safe, setting that will give you the practice you need to feel more self-assured. They’re great for building your confidence and self-esteem too and you can make some great new friends! When you’re ready, try the structured Speed Dating craze as a segue to experimenting in the dating world. For now, don’t attach any investment in outcome. Use the more non-threatening parts of your world as your practice laboratory. In time, you’ll develop more of a sense of mastery and comfort in your own skin.
* Learn communication and active listening skills that will assist you in having conversations with others. Be mindful of your body language and how you carry yourself too. If you need to, plan ahead and make a list of topics you can talk about at a social gathering or event, but don’t be rehearsed.
* Picture yourself as you’d like to be and visualize this on a regular basis to rehearse and internalize this more socially sophisticated you. Role-play with a trusted friend. Create a collage with pictures, words, and symbols that represent the image of the “new you” and keep it posted in a place where you see it every day to keep centered and motivated on where you’re headed.
* Break out of the self-absorption trap by transferring the focus to helping others. Channel the energies that reinforced your shyness into rewarding activities that will benefit others in some way. Paradoxically, you’ll be helping yourself too!
* Most importantly, challenge the negative thoughts that go through your head. These feed your insecurity and breed shyness. Learn about cognitive distortions and learn how to “talk back” to self-defeating thoughts that sabotage you. Look at situations realistically and substitute those toxic thoughts with more affirming ones that will empower you to see and act like the great guy that you are.
* Read as many books and workbooks on shyness and social anxiety as you can. Enlist the help of a therapist or coach to go through them with you to help you generalize your learning to the places where it counts most.
Conclusion:
Realize, shy guys, that the more you run from and avoid your anxiety-provoking situations, the more strengthened and reinforced your shyness gets. The key is to stop giving away your personal power to others (in what you perceive of them thinking of you) and learn to become more assertive. Stand up for yourself, take charge of your life, and don’t stay home another Friday night alone in front of the TV. Get out there and make your dreams come true! You have a lot to contribute and give, but you must realize this first and take proactive steps to making your vision a reality.
And a special note to all you single, extroverted, outgoing, non-shy guys….
Don’t be so quick to dismiss a guy just because he’s a little quiet or reserved. Shy guys can very easily get “lost in the crowd” and get overlooked by the more colorful, sociable men that tend to draw the attention in social circles.
Never underestimate the power and value of a shy guy. He is very creative, passionate, loyal, and caring. Sometimes he might need a little extra encouragement or reassurance, but he’s loving and he’s got your back and he can add a lot of meaning to your life. So never turn a blind eye, because shy guys make good boyfriends too. And who knows, he could even turn out to be your life partner.
© Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.
Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc.http://thegaylovecoach.com
Thanks to Brian and to Michael@gaytogether.com
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